There was a wonderful comic and comedian called Kenny Everett on British television in the late 70s/ early 80s who sadly passed away too soon and too young. He played amongst others, a colourful character called Cupid Stunt. The term sprung to mind when I heard the latest “you couldn’t make it up” story. I am sure you can work it out for yourselves, but in order to get the joke, you need to transpose the first letters of each name.
The brother of a friend of mine (hereforward known as WM – Wonderful Man) found a dog cowering in a park, under a bush. A beautiful collie cross something, she was badly frightened. Upon speaking to a few people walking about that day, he found out that she had been there for several days, with people doing the usual hand-wringing and hoping that Someone Else Would Do Something.
WM coaxed her out of the bush and took her home. A vet confirmed what WM suspected – that she was heavily pregnant. Within a few days she gave birth. Springing from a one dog home to a two-dog-and-eight-puppies household takes a lot of guts, but he did it
Fast forward a few days – he receives a phone call from a woman who tells him that she hears he has her dog. Not being naïve, he questions her and the story is as follows. The dog falls pregnant (“she just got too much, y’know”) and her owner leaves her in the park, chasing her away when the dog tries to follow her back to her car (“She was such an effing pain”). The woman, here forward known as Cupid Stunt (or CS) and her friend make daily visits to the park over coming days (hopefully not to walk other dogs, but sadly, experience tells me that this would probably be the case).
The dog, overjoyed to see her owner, tries to follow them and they chase her away. CS tells WM that she knew someone would take her home as “she’s so cute”. He’s dumbstruck with horror and can’t stop listening. CS just can’t stop talking. She tells him how the dog “got itself pregnant”, she just couldn’t stop the dog trying to follow her and how stressful it was.
He eventually starts to speak but is interrupted by …. “anyway, I know she was pregnant, has she given birth?” He croaks “yes”. She says ..
Wait for it …
“Oh good, can I have one of the puppies?”
Now, I know what my response would have been and his was no doubt not dissimilar. However, what type of complete and utter moron admits to abandoning her pregnant dog, being cruel by walking past it each day and chasing it off and then has the gumption to not only admit it but ask for one of the dog’s puppies? I would have got her name, address and phone number and promised to call her back, before reporting her to the dog warden, even though I know it is a futile exercise. I’d be tempted to go round her house and relieve her of every pet she had, before taking her teeth out for her and attempting to rearrange her few brain cells.
I remember my vet once saying sadly to me once, after I brought in yet another ill, abused cat for treatment – “What is it with the people in your road?” More like, “what it is with the people in London”!?!
On a lighter note, Merlin’s Mummy went for a facial this weekend. Having had a payrise and after the toughest of tough weeks (anyone fancy working a 75 hour week? I know I didn’t!), I decided I would for once use some of the money to treat myself and M. It was M’s birthday a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to spend some quality time with her and give her a bit of a treat.
Neither of us had gone for a facial before (you can tell we’re from the posh end of the market, can’t you) and with some trepidation, M and I travelled into London, to a rather exclusive salon, where we had full facials and oxygen treatment. So there I am – lying on the bed, being pampered and the therapist is telling me all about their wonderful products. Yadda-yadda-yadda – I may not be Pamper Queen but I know a sales schpiel when I hear it.
I had spent a considerable amount of time agonising over how to treat M and talked to everyone interested about it. Even my ex-husband (bless him) had helped research a few places – I wanted to make sure she had the best birthday treat ever. She’s had two bouts of cancer and I’ve had two cancer scares, so I am aware of our mortality. We both have such busy lives, the chances we have to spend an entire day together are extremely limited. Everything had to be perfect.
I had spent so much time setting things up, I completely forgot to ask a vital question, which of course suddenly came to me as I was lying there, relaxing properly for the first time in weeks.
Before I buy any cosmetic product I check the label. I scrutinise the ingredients, look for the mark and review the wording. As I am lying there considering buying their face scrub, my brain suddenly goes Boiiiing!
I realised I had been a complete idiot. Me, who won’t touch any cosmetics or makeup I believe to have been tested on animals, me, who knows that “against animal testing” does not mean that they don’t test their product or its ingredients on sentient beings, was sitting like a prize plum having products of dubious origin applied to her face in the quest for a better looking skin. I hadn’t asked the standard question – “are your products tested on animals?”
I must have jerked a bit, because the therapist paused in her praise of all things cosmetic and asked what was wrong. My inner voice responded “Don’t cause a scene Samantha”. When my inner voice uses my full name, I know I’m in trouble, so I said “nothing” and prayed for calm that didn’t quite come.
Not only that, but I shut my inner eye and bought a goodie bag for us each. Once I was home and alone, I opened the box to check the list. What did I find? That wonderful get-out clause – “against animal testing”. It doesn’t help that the products are lovely. AAAARRRGGHHHH!!!!