Mummy food is Mummy’s. Cat food is yours. You are all cats and none of you have suddenly turned into humans.
When Mummy eats, she tries to time it so that you are eating at the same time. This is not so you can gulp your food down and run to her, hoping for more. Gulping your food down just results in bringing it back up. Mommy is not keen on this during her lunch.
Catnip is for cats, wine is for Mummy. There are no exceptions to this rule.
When Mummy has human visitors, the above 3 rules apply even more.
There are 8 cats in this house and one human. You should all be able to take turns on my lap. Whilst it is very gratifying to note that you all get on so well together, jumping on top of the cats currently settled on Mummy’s lap is not permitted. This is not because it ends in a fight. It is because Mummy doesn’t want a tower of cats on her lap at any time. More than one deep is sufficient.
Everyone has their own space on and in the bed. The newest cats in the household start at the bottom, near my feet. This applies to rescue and fostered cats too. Taking prime position on the pillow when you are not entitled to it is only going to severely damage your popularity, no matter how much you look like a cute black and white furby.
The only time it is permitted to wake Mommy up is when her alarm has gone off and she is still snoring. Doing so at any other time is going to result in a Moaning Mommy. Be warned.
Waking Mommy up should never be done by biting her toes or opening her eyelid with one claw. Either of those is going to get you a high pitch scream as a reward.
Mummy’s ears are not drooling spots.
Access to the kitchen is limited to a run through during daylight hours and is off limits at night. It is not a place to air your grievances, show off your prey or start a game of chase on the counter tops.
Breaking into the kitchen at night in the hope of a snack is not acceptable. Fishing (haha) pieces of discarded coley out of the rubbish is even less acceptable. As is leaving it all over the floor when you’ve decided it doesn’t meet your high standards.
Visitors to the house either like cats or they don’t. You are not going to persuade anyone to like you by clawing up their leg, jumping in their lap or drooling and shedding all over them, even if you purr furiously and put on your cute face at the same time. If humans like you, they’ll generally let you know.
When Mummy is at the PC, she does not need you to help. Particularly, turning the printer on is annoying. You probably realise this because you do this every time you want my attention and it is a very small button and easy to miss. However, the last time you did this, the printer started, scooped up Mummy’s mobile and fed it into the paper slot. Mummy has had to spend some considerable time this evening disengaging everything. The printer is not amused either.
Sitting on the keyboard is not desirable. Mummy is sorry that her recent screen is not conducive to happy cat sitting. She has spent many hours working around somnolent, drifting paws and tails. You did not however succeed in giving her a heart attack, no matter how many times you fell off and onto the keyboard.
Standing over Mummy’s hand and the mouse so she can’t operate it properly will always get you evicted from the desk.
Weeing in the hallway does not stop the big black tomcat from across the road weeing outside the front door, no matter how many times you do it.
Mummy is glad your dreamcatcher fixation has been reduced by the addition of feathers as toys. However, she is still not giving you any wool with which to play unsupervised.
Purring is cute, cuddling is lovely. Grabbing Mommy with all the claws on one paw in full activation mode when she walks past is neither.
Cats who take shelter in the conservatory should not make the resident cats run the gauntlet when they try and get back in. There are 8 of them and one of you and whilst you may have fun standing behind the door and jumping out when they try and get back inside, you will pay for this. Once again, cuteness is not a factor.
Balancing on the top of the dining room chair is a great talent, less so when you fall off and insert 4 sets of claws into Mummy’s back to regain your balance and get back up.
Yes, Mummy rescues cats, most of which go on to new homes. However, we are now full. Please do not bring any more homeless or unhappy cats home for Mummy to look after, unless they are very cute, appealing to humans and able to live elsewhere. Feral and long homeless cats are always going to look and behave like miniature jaguars and are not easily found new homes, unless it is with masochists.