The minefield of middle-aged affairs … or … how it turned out just fine despite Everything


Embarking on a love affair at the advanced decrepit decades of 40 and 50 is a whole new learning experience for both of us.  It is fairly common “wisdom” that we will be stuck in our ways, that we won’t be able to compromise, that we will be carrying excess emotional baggage; that we stand a great chance of failing, blah, blah, blah …

And spending the better part of a week together has, I think, taught us more than all the weekends we have spent together in the last near-enough 3 months.  Both of us were looking forward to it immensely whilst secretly nurturing concerns – he wondered if the cats would be an issue, I was concerned that I would feel crowded.  Neither of those or in fact anything else, marred what turned out to be a spectacularly happy time.  None of the cautionary tales came true.

Also, we now have: Expectations! Rules! Plans! As well as Surprises!

Expectations!

That at some point in the near future, one of us is going to have to give up an awful lot to move nearer to the other.  Who that might be is not currently clear but both of us have commitments and lives outside of our own to consider.  It’s not as easy as going with the person who has the most, say, career prospects, or the better home.  This is not about compromising lifestyle.  The happiness of those we love is at stake, so we have to consider all the options very, very carefully.

Rules!

No sexual flirting, no dating, no internet sex, no actual sex of any description except with each other.

I am not allowed to snog girls.  Nor is he for that matter.  We didn’t discuss boys but I guess the same rules apply :-).

Posing for nudie shots for charity – absolutely fine.

Selling my body to keep my house – absolutely not fine.

Cats in the bedroom are allowed, provided they don’t mind being cata(haha!)pulted into the hallway every now and again.

Weeing in the hallway is allowed (cats only) and he doesn’t mind the odd whiff – big phew!

I need to stop feeling like I am taking advantage of his good nature when he is working in my garden because he actually does enjoy it and does not mind in the slightest.

He needs to look in the mirror more often and understand he is bloody yummy. Old git is not an accurate description of what I see when I look at him.  Fat cow is not an accurate description of what he sees when he looks at me.

He eats everything I put in front of him so I needn’t worry about him being irked about me making healthy meals out of spare pence.  It’s a non-issue.

I am not going to starve to death if I eat only a little (mainly because I seem to be able to inhale calories) and he needs to stop worrying.

Speaking of inhaling, I really need to give up nicotine.  Not because it bothers him but because he wants me around for a few years yet.

Both of us come with baggage and history and reactions to situations that are coloured by experience.  This is absolutely fine and we are more than able to deal with them.

Cutting (part of) the grass (please note, I did not ask him to do the entire lawn!) with secateurs is an acceptable practice to avoid snipping spiders and mutilating mice.  As is joking about it on facebook.

Plans!

That we are going to continue travelling up and down the countryside to see each other as often as he can afford it and as often as my super bro-in-law is willing and able to cat sit.

That we are going to spend Yule/Christmas together.  Woot!  Currently under discussion is the Meal.  Whilst I don’t expect him to adopt my now-back-to-virtually veggie lifestyle, I am not fucking cooking a poor goose.  There is no compromise on this one currently.  Christmas is on, eating may not be :-D.  And if he asks “what about the poor piggies?” he’s getting nut roast.

Surprises!

That both of us can feel like teenagers again.  That we can trust each other across long distances and time apart and miss each other like mad.  That talking on the phone for hours at a time is lovely, but brings home our separateness when we stop.

That despite living in almost opposite parts of the country, we might just have found that for which we have spent years looking.

Now, if I could get the rest of my life working half as well, I’d be very happy indeed.

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About titflasher

Writer, blogger, animal activist, people activist, dream-catcher maker, mommy to 9 cats and a roving band of foxes ... Blog name comes from my father's suggestion for the title of my autobiography ... after my mother's and my awful habit of flashing whenever the security police took our photo in the dark old days of apartheid South Africa. I love nature, including creepy crawlies and people, find life fascinating and frustrating and have two terrible weaknesses - nictotine and animals in distress ... can't abide the latter situation and can't give up the former. I'm Pagan but not anti-Christian, funny but quite serious, light-hearted but can be annoying. I am warm-hearted until someone p*sses on me too much, then I get soggy and even. Feel free to link me but all the words on these pages is copyrighted, so copy it and take the credit and I will find you and slap you upside the head, hard. The blog is probably best read via category as there is loads on here already, and I just got started :-)
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16 Responses to The minefield of middle-aged affairs … or … how it turned out just fine despite Everything

  1. Daryl says:

    I am so happy for you and your “beau” and I totally agree with ” I really need to give up nicotine”. I love him for that!

    Love you lots,
    Mama D

  2. titflasher says:

    Dear Mama D, thank you :-). I love you lots too xxx

  3. Marina says:

    No snogging girls? 😦

    Seriously, so happy for you x

  4. 3am Wisdom says:

    Yay! Am super happy for you, and can’t think of anything else to say other than yay! X x

  5. Alison says:

    Wow – although hard decisions are coming up, in the end, to be with the “one” will make it much easier. So glad for both of you. xxxx

  6. Aliquant says:

    Couldn’t be happier for you, it’s brilliant! =]

  7. Narky says:

    Yay indeed! 😀

  8. paulapanda says:

    Thank you for sharing your happiness and making me smile :-))
    Love you sweet girl
    ¸.•¨¯`•*¨`*•♥.•´*.¸.•´*•♥.•´

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