When I fall in love, I tend to do it fully, just as I do most things – properly or not at all. This leaves me with a bit of an issue now that my relationship has ended. I have all this love and no place to put it.

The last relationship I had prior to my last one was sweet and short and ended as quickly as it had started. It took me around 6 months to recover, double the length of the relationship. This one lasted much longer, become serious very quickly and had me believing that at last, I had found someone who delighted in my presence, drew strength from me, who I could make happy and him, me. To have it end so abruptly, left me truly gasping in shock and in pain. Also anger. I had spent a year believing in a lie and I knew it would take me at least as long to recover.

This has been exacerbated by the fact that last weekend, he sustained a very serious injury at work requiring a stay in hospital and my anger turned to pity and back to love in a heartbeat.

When he was injured I didn’t think twice about making sure he was okay and had the support he needed.

I have just spent a very scary four days and whilst I have not made the reasons for that public on facebook, it is evident from my postings that I have had at the very least my house broken into.

He has not bothered to contact me once to check that I am okay. That speaks volumes to me.

And you know what? I refuse.

I refuse to spend the next year or even two yearning and upset and missing someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me, for someone who doesn’t even think to check that I am okay.

At 41, I am so very aware of the limits of time. So here is my 5 step plan:

(i)I am going to have to accept that I am going to love him for a while yet and I am going to have days when I feel strong and days when I feel like shit. I am not going to brave it out like I have done in the past. I am simply going to acknowledge that I am a wreck and get on with it regardless or sit in a corner and cry, whichever I need to at the time.

(ii) As soon as I can, I am going to replace him in my bed. I can’t stand the memory of the nights I spent longing for him, with him so far away and I am haunted now by the memory of his body next to mine when we were together. I have got to get those images out of my head. Once I am over that hurdle, the memory of him is not going to be quite as defined and I will eventually forget the way he made love with me. I just need to ensure that whoever I take to my bed understands that I have no intention of anything further and ensure I don’t hurt anyone.

(iii) I have deleted every photo I have, apart from the facebook ones. Every single photo of him in my house, in my bed and in my life has gone. It hurt like hell doing it but I do not want to spend any time mooning over them and crying. The happy memories that creep up on me unawares and the sudden, blinding realisation that I am never going to walk with him, talk with him, shop with him or hold his hand again are bad enough without the physical evidence of them before me.

(iv) I have deleted every single text from him on my phone. They are lies and, like the photos, I do not want to sit and moon over them. I have yet to throw away the birthday card he wrote to me two weeks before he told me he no longer loved me. My initial response was to return the card and the vouchers but my ex-husband (bless his cotton socks) said bugger it, spend the voucher, at least you get a nice bath or seven out of this mess. So I shall.

(v) When I am strong enough, he’s coming off my facebook. I don’t want to see the day he acknowledges a new relationship (and I suspect it won’t be long before that happens) – that will hurt like hell and why should I put myself through that? I know damn well it is going to happen, I really should not be expected to applaud and be pleased for him when it does. I doubt he will even notice when I am gone.

I simply cannot waste a single more moment on this man. I cannot help loving him and I cannot help thinking of him, but I can very much affect the way I move forward. Here’s to the day when I no longer wake up and think of him, or go to sleep thinking of him.

Here’s to the day when I can go about my day unassailed by the memory of the hope I carried inside of me of a life together in London, or in York or in whatever place we ended up. Here’s to the day when I no longer hurt.

About titflasher

Writer, blogger, animal activist, people activist, dream-catcher maker, mommy to 9 cats and a roving band of foxes ... Blog name comes from my father's suggestion for the title of my autobiography ... after my mother's and my awful habit of flashing whenever the security police took our photo in the dark old days of apartheid South Africa. I love nature, including creepy crawlies and people, find life fascinating and frustrating and have two terrible weaknesses - nictotine and animals in distress ... can't abide the latter situation and can't give up the former. I'm Pagan but not anti-Christian, funny but quite serious, light-hearted but can be annoying. I am warm-hearted until someone p*sses on me too much, then I get soggy and even. Feel free to link me but all the words on these pages is copyrighted, so copy it and take the credit and I will find you and slap you upside the head, hard. The blog is probably best read via category as there is loads on here already, and I just got started :-)
This entry was posted in Londonish life, Loss, Ratty rants. Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Recovery

  1. Phil Groom says:

    Massive, massive *hugs* lovely. Reading this makes me so, so angry, that someone could treat you — you! — like this. Words fail: be strong; you are awesome.

  2. titflasher says:

    Thanks Phil. You know, no-one is perfect but yes, I agree with you – I don’t think I deserved this. Not so sure on the awesome bit but strong I can do. Big hug back to you xx

  3. Angel O'Fire says:

    There is nothing more painful than heartbreak, although when you do replace him in your bed, replace him with a cat or a teddy bear,
    There are far worse things in life than being single, in fact some time focusing on yourself rather than what you can do to change particular things about yourself to suit another persons ideals, needs, wants and desires for you would be productive for you as your own person.
    Go into your room, change the blankets that you normally have on the bed, the quilt cover to a different fresh one, change the way your furniture in your room is, this will help give you the fresh start you need to get him out of your mind and out of your thoughts, change the ornaments around that you have in their usual place, declutter, have a spring clean, and as your dusting keep in mind your dusting away the old to make a clean fresh start, piss him right off out of your Facebook, and any other social networks your on, he dosnt deserve to know what your doing, with the click of his mouse, you are in control, take that control, and use it girl
    You are strong enough to get through this, you are strong enough not to need to replace one head fuck for another, you are better than that!

    • titflasher says:

      Thank you. I was happily single for a year before he came along and happily single for times in between before that so it doesn’t worry me at all. I just need to get him out from under my skin. All good advice though, so very much appreciated. Most of it I have followed, the rest I will do and soon. Big hug back to you.

  4. warriet says:

    agree with both of the above done in here in distant Somerset; do step V now, why delay? (you might want to download your Facebook as its right now and save to a large file somewhere but why keep it here?) you have been used an abused – the arguably harshest thing you can do right now is total ignorance, a complete diss. [smouldering in Somerset]

    what the heck, nearly time for another MadUp, Zebedee excited already, see you very soon 🙂

    • titflasher says:

      Nah, when I delete it won’t be to save. I haven’t saved anything else. We have more than a few mutual friends so in all honesty, it is hardly worth doing. Yay for Madups – will see you and Zebedee there!

  5. theapink says:

    Love you x You deserve so so so so so much better darling, really. The fact that he hasn’t even contacted you after what’s happened does speak volumes. I hate him, more than it should be possible to hate someone I never met.
    You know where I am if you need ANYTHING at all xxxx

    • titflasher says:

      Thank you darling for being there for me, through some really crap days and nights, totally unrelated to the blog post (not sure how I am going to write about current events, I wouldn’t know where to start lol!). Love you too and yes, thank you I do. That works both ways xxx

  6. Pingback: Why exes do not always make good friends and other news | confessions of a serial titflasher

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