“98% of all statistics are made up. ~Author Unknown”
Just a few of our own:
37.5% of cats prefer sitting on their humans’ heads to sitting on their humans’ laps.
12.5% of cats will decide that one type of food, no matter how non-nutritious, is their favourite and will ask for it 100% of the time. In my household, this is split equally between tinned/ cooked mushrooms and asparagus.
12.5% of cats will form an er .. unnatural attachment to your smelly shoes and socks.
The most aloof cat in the house, known for allowing humans to scratch her head for an average of 37 seconds before trying to take their hand off, will, after you have explained carefully that she doesn’t sit in anyone’s lap, ever, will 7 months down the line decide one night to not only sit in your boyfriend’s lap, but cuddle him, nuzzle him, purr her head off and only try to take his hand off half-heartedly before settling down for a further 20 minutes of cuddles, rendering you a liar or a person who despite 14 years of living together, truly doesn’t know her cat. Also, y0ur phone will take pictures of this historic event but then refuse to download them to anything resembling a computer, 100% of the one time it happens.
87.5% of cats will prefer their water cool, except for one loon who insists on warm water. She then gets to drink it fresh and the others have to wait until it is cool. No getting away with two bowls either because she expects them both to be presented at the same time, sipping at one then the other before expressing a preference for the other.
50% of cats under 12 months of age will want to watch you bathe and will demand to smell all the stuff you are using, before you apply it, a type of feline sniff-tester. After 12 months of age, only 12.5% of cats will still enjoy the bath for non-drink related activities. Such activities will include wallowing in the suds left behind before jumping out to shake or rub themselves against you. Just as you finish drying.
12.5% of cats will want to eat your mobile phone charger. And printer cable. And modem cable. And land line telephone line. And nine months after you successfully protect all of those (new, I had to buy new, sometimes twice) cables (new-to-me landline was gifted by my neighbour) , and learn to hide your mobile chargers at all times (replaced personal one thrice, work one four times), 12.5% of cats will surprise the hell out of you by bringing out a length of cable that is none of the above and you will spend days searching for the appliance that no longer works because … (no, I haven’t found it yet).
75% of cats will, when visitors call round, walk calmly into the living room, sit down and wash their genitals, just as you are serving tea and cake. 50% of the 75% will not be able to wipe the smug little feline grins off their faces. 2% of the time, they will drool and manage to spatter your guest at the same time as they are abluting …
100% of the time that their food is cooking, 100% of cats will behave as if the last time you fed them was 1852.
Cats who like sitting in high places will, 90% of the time, not only surprise you with how high they can reach but also with how accurately they can flip things off the shelves they are sitting on and onto your head/ the TV/ their brothers and sisters. 10% of the time, they will surprise you with their ability to manoeuvre themselves around the objects without moving a single one. This includes lying down in the most awkward positions, just so they don’t knock anything off. Choosing between the two is completely random and I can’t put a statistic to it.
Average time between feeding and asking for the next meal for 12.5% of cats: 75 seconds. Amount of time they are able to keep up the pestering: to infinity; or as soon as you give up and feed them again, whichever comes first.
Average number of scratches sported by a mad cat lady (MCT) a week (excluding any cat rescues): 37. Average number of scratches sported by her partner: 22. Number of scratches on scratches sported by MCT at any given time: at least 14 (three of which are triples).
The number of clean litter trays in a house is directly proportionate to the number of poos done outside them.
24 hours after an intensive hoovering and litter tray scrubbing and cleaning, 20% of the litter will be outside the trays.
Average number of tail twitches given in a hunker-down position before pouncing on the object of their attention: 7
% of cats who prefer cardboard boxes to expensive cat toys: 100%. However this reduces to 85% when said toys contain catnip.
% of cats who enjoy ‘nip: 89%. % of cats who enjoy valerian: 100%
12.5% of cats will learn how to break into the kitchen whilst their noms is cooling. Another 12.5% will actually nick the noms whilst 25% will sit on the floor, waiting for the noms to come to them. It won’t, 100% of the time.
% of cats who will get in the way whilst you are collecting bowls pre-noms: 100%. It’s like they think tripping you up will speed things up …
Number of cats out of nine who understand the word “No!”: 8. % of cats who will listen: 0%.
% of cats who will still adore you when you come home smelling of dog: 0%
% of cats who will see you walk IN the door with a cat carrier and assume it is Vettime: 89%. The one cat who won’t is too busy complaining about a distinct lack of food in his environment to even notice the carrier.
The number of cats who will, when you are running late for work, demand instant Outsides: 2. 1 will then decide that he isn’t sure, stand in the doorway, dither, make you even later for work before coming back inside, running upstairs to have a go at his sister. You will then come downstairs having sorted it all out to find him asking for Outsides again. 50% of the time, this is repeated at least twice.
% of the time the human is late for work and the cats are the reason: 82% (17% is down to buses being elusive and 1% is down to sleeping in).
% of the time I love my cats: 100%
But % of the time I wish they would cut me some slack, clean up after themselves and generally be better-behaved: roughly 10%, normally after viewing their efforts at redecorating the house after an epic clean.